I am tired of being convinced that I am unworthy, ugly, and worthless. This has gone on long enough. I want my life back. I want my spirit back. But I am not even sure as to where to look.
I am tired of the meaningless rebuttal from others of my thoughts. Of course you rebutt. Nobody can stand the misery of their loved ones. But really, say something worth listening to; something not germane. Most of all, something believable.
Today I have come to the conclusion that I will forever be single. All this time I already knew this. I was convinced that nice guys did not exist; however I was wrong. Nice guys do exist. They are just all gay.
So I have accepted that I will never get married. I can't force a gay guy to be straight and date me. But I also refuse to settle with an asshole for the sake of marriage and the typical American dream. If that's how its going to be, I guess I am moving on and giving up.
At this moment in time, I am very-much undecided as to what I want to do about my future. I thought long and hard about all of this many times through. At just the time I think I have finally figured out the fate of my future, someone says something or something happens that brings me right back to where I started,
I can say I do not like where I am at in life. Its ok for now but my mind itches for so much more. I know I can't let the voices of my past be my reality. But the question poses: where is it after all this time that I'm supposed to be? And how do I get there?
I know my health is spiraling downward. I have almost no control over it and it is one of the scarriest feelings ever. I have done all that I can do and seemingly not getting better, which I have feared all along. These last six weeks were rough enough without this health issue. I feel so out of control.
Its taking a toll on every aspect of my life; this demon is so small and started out so normally. I keep pushing on as though its not there. When I get really busy I can usually push it to the back of my brain and focus of the task at hand. But as i get more anemic and dehydrated, I can feel my head start to spin even while preoccupied. Say a prayer for me, my friends.
It has been a year that I have posted a blog. For that, I'm sorry. Coming back I am a almost a stranger to everyone. My, what a year it has been. I hope to keep my promise and continue sharing my words and thoughts with all my dear friends. Now, more than ever I need your support and love to carry on in the most positive way I can.
Once again, I appologize for my absencse. Reading my old blog post I realize as time marches on some things never really do change. What a shame.
Wow, where have the months gone on to? I knew it has been a while, but really, four months? A lot has happened in those weeks. Just be glad I'm back my friends!! So who is wanting to catch up?
Once again I am plagued with a terrible case of insomnia. Nothing worse than wishing you can sleep and can't. I've tried everything within the last few hours; six sleeping pills, alcohol, walking around, driving around, reading. No sleep in sight. One of these days this is going to kill me.
Hey friends!! I am sorry I have not blogged for a few days. Its been a crazy (Shitty. The correct and more appropriate adjective is shitty.) week. I have not forgotten about any of you. I am just going to take this off-Monday to rest and rest up in preparation for an extra long holiday week. You will hear and catch up with me soon enough though!!
Seriously, not everything is my fault. Things come up and stuff happens. I only do what I can with what I got. Also, if you have the time to sit back and observe me "not doing anything" then you are not making very good use of your time either. You can not possibly be doing your job if you are following me around everywhere. Do not get mad at me because I am not doing a server's job when if I had done that for another server, you would have pitched a fit. You make the rules, you can't complain when I follow them!!!
Hey Mr. McCool, I don't know where your soul is resting tonight, but I am hoping its better than the place you left. We didn't know each other very long and to tell you the truth, I was not overly fond of taking care of you. All things aside, I cared for you with the best of my ability as if you were one of my favorites. You were cognitive until the moment in which you left this earth. The comment of, "I don't know why, but I hate you." is something in which I would expect out of someone who is not in their right mind. I knew you meant it when you said it since you could distinguish reality.
I never hated you; I am not the one who you need to ask forgiveness from. I only did my job. Statements such as that I have come to expect for people in my line of work and can not take it personally. I only hope that you got this situation and your heart at peace with the Lord before you departed from this Earth.
I had to go home yesterday into today. Was hoping to catch up with a friend of a friend. That didn't exactly happen, but I am not at all surprised. I feel pretty bad that I waited all that time for him to decide one way or another when I could have been catching up with other people from home.
No matter what, going home is always draining and I usually dread it. Besides my family I could care less about most of the people of my community and have no desire to see or speak to most of them again. This could just be me being heartless but I'm just calling it how it is. There is even some of my family I could go long periods of time without seeing and would not feel bad. Like I said, this is very harsh, but we all need to see the reality and quit living in what is not real.
I thought we had this figured out. But apparently we didn't. Because you had to make up some ridiculous lie. If I am not worth your truth, you are not worth my time. I should feel bad about all of this but I only feel bad for you. Because you are losing a good friend. Deuces.
It was kind of a slow day at Denny's yesterday. There were too few customers and too many staff. I got a chance to sit down with a couple of local regulars and have some conversation. Something within our conversation had sparked the comment that I had been permanent staff at 4-H camp last summer (2011). Davey, an older, very frail and very petite in size looked at me with eyes of curiosity and said, "4-H camp.....4-H Camp Palmer?" That was exactly where I was talking about. That brought on a story of how he was a counselor the very first year of its existence.
Davey would mention some kind of landmark that stood out in his mind that was apart of some mischievous rendezvous asking if any part of that was still there. Some surprisingly, yes; others naturally, no. 4-H camp was some of the best times of my life as a camper and as a counselor. While job transitioning last night I was thinking all of my experiences as camp staff in the summer of 2011 and trying to recall some memories of my staff year that measured up to the memories I had at 4-H camp I had as a camper/counselor. I could not come up with a single one. As I got to thinking about it, my permanent staff job sucked; I had hated it. As a camper and a counselor the permanent staffers were the coolest people at camp. We all dreamed of having that position on day. And here I had hated it.
Other permanent staffers that year were absolutely worthless. I was the only staff that had no kind of responsibility over campers or counselors. My interaction with the campers and counselors were limited to almost none. I was never allowed to be apart of anything we did as a team (skits, dances, song time at meals, ect.). I was always forced to do the jobs no one else wanted to do. What completely breaks my heart about this whole ponder is after thinking about all of this: I learned nothing.
Mr. Charles Sir, you are for sure a one of a kind guy!! Even with your occasional awkwardness, you can still make me laugh; even at things that are not funny. Looking back at how rough those summer months were for me, I credit you to keeping me sane on all my nights off. And let me tell you, I am s glad you moved back to Lima. Delphos is just too frikkn' far away!!
Your girlfriend on the other hand, is what I call a "complete bitch". I do not think I am telling you anything you don't know. I understand she is the mom of your baby and that is the reason you try so hard to stay with her. No matter what you say, I am pretty sure she was the one who instigated our worries earlier this week. I am glad that we cleared up our petty issue, even though every party knew all the facts from the beginning. I am very relieved that you have no intention of perusing an intimate relationship with me. That's is why I was drawn to you from the first place. What girl does not want a guy friend and does not have to worry about him coming on to her? Never have I ever had those kind of feelings of my own. It bothers me that you would tell Tasha about all of this, tell her to tell me you need to talk to me, but also tell her she can not tell me what you need to talk to me about. If that is the way you are going to do things, tell me you need to talk to me yourself. I understand your reasoning for talking to her, but I still feel like if you had a problem with me you should have just came to me from the beginning.
So, with all of this being said, let's move forward. You are my friend. My best friend. And I would be sad if you were no longer around.
Previous PostsImmigration Issues in the UK, posted June 9th, 2014, 3 comments
Teen Pregnancy, posted June 6th, 2014
Rural vs Urban Firefighting, posted June 5th, 2014, 1 comment
Bringing Up the Past, posted June 5th, 2014
Where I'm At Now, posted June 4th, 2014
Just The Begining, posted June 4th, 2014
What Do I Do?, posted May 18th, 2014
Forever Single, posted May 3rd, 2014
Undecided, posted April 24th, 2014
Downward Spiral, posted April 14th, 2014
Strangers Again, posted April 11th, 2014
April......, posted April 12th, 2013
Where Are You?, posted November 26th, 2012
Sorry Everybody, posted November 19th, 2012
Grrrreeeeerrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!, posted November 13th, 2012
Mr. McCool, posted November 10th, 2012, 2 comments
Home., posted November 8th, 2012
Let's Grow Up Here., posted November 6th, 2012, 1 comment
Summer Staff, Summer Staff.....2011, posted November 5th, 2012
For Charlie, posted November 2nd, 2012, 2 comments
No-Shave November??? Bahaha, posted November 1st, 2012, 5 comments
Ants In Pants, posted November 1st, 2012, 6 comments
Hello Everyone, posted October 31st, 2012
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